Toilets are miles away

Two men were at a football match and it was just seconds away from kick-off.

"Man," said the first man, "I'm bursting for a pee, and the toilets are miles away"

"Don't worry," said the second man. "You see that bloke in front of you? Just pee up his leg."

"Are you crazy?" said the first man, "that bloke's massive."

"Oh," said the second man, "he won't notice anything."

"How do you know?" said the first man.

"Because I've just peed up yours!" said the second man.

Don't worry about the bottles

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'
'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker

A young Palestinian came to Glasgow as a student. He was a gregarious person and soon made lots of friends, moving into a flat with two other students who happened to be Rangers supporters. Sad to relate, on his way home from an evening's entertainment the poor youth was knocked down in Sauchiehall Street by a hit-and-run driver. He was taken to the Royal Infirmary, where the doctors attending him said there was nothing they could do. His flatmates were at the bedside and carried out his last request to let his family know. By the time the lad's parents flew over he was already gone. His two pals came to see them at the hotel where they were staying and offered their condolences. They also offered them a parcel, which the boy's father opened and was surprised to find contained a signed Rangers top. When pressed for an explanation one of the Bears said:
'We got on to Ibrox and they were quite happy to organise this for us.'
'But what is it for?'
'Well, the boy was always telling us that when he died he wanted buried in the Gazza strip.'

lol

YouTube - everton v liverpool reserves 17/02/2009 funniest goal against liverpool ever !!!!

Thats gotta be bad for the kids confidence!