may as well since i'm obv the only one who knows any funny jokes

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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

Most "sex" jokes dont come off as particularly funny to me, but I always liked this one:

A man and wife go on a romantic weekend to a hotel. Their double room reservation has been messed up and instead they are given an attic room with 2 single beds and there is a raised beam on the floor between the beds which they have to step over to avoid stubbing their toes. When they go to bed the husband switches the light off and says to his wife “how about a bit of nookie then?” she agrees and makes her way across the room in the dark and painfully stubs her toe on the raised beam. Her husband hears her shout in pain and comforts her by saying “oh diddums did you stub your little tootsie-wootsie, come and lie in my bed and let me rub it better for you” She lies next to him in bed and they spend the next hour having great sex. The wife then gets out of bed and starts to cross the room to return to her bed and again stubs here toe on the raised beam. On hearing her shout with pain once more her husband says "Jesus! Can’t you pick your bloody feet up."!!!

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FYP

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Okay saw this joke theother day.

A guy gets home from work and sees his wife stood outside the front door with 2 suitcases. He asks her whats going on. She says ' Ive just realised in vegas i can get $400 a time for what ive been giving you for free all these years'.

The husband goes inside and comes out 5 mins later with his bags packed.

His wife says 'what are you doing?'

He says 'im coming with you'.

she says 'what..why?'.

He says ' coz i want to see how you're going to live off $800 a year'.